your room smells of hookers.
And success
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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