So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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