I faked an abortion last night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
