remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
