1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
