She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
