Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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