You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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