I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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