Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
