My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize