Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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