If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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