Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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