woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
