Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
