We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
