I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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