Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize