If that was your dad, he is hot
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
