Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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