I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
