I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
