I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
