Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
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Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
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Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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