Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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