Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
