it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
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Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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