Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
