Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
