How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
