what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The air was thick with penises
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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