All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
