I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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