Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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