:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Drunk is a universal language darling
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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