So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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