Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
