she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
