just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
