Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
