she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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