you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
