i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Randomize
