Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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