I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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