I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my poor anus
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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