I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can't turn off my feet"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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