eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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