If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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