If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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