I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
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I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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