Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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