Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
