I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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