I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
