i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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