thus making me awesome and them whores
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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