well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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